Wednesday, June 9, 2010

What's Smart vs. What's Right

OMG you guys. One week left. That's SEVEN days.

This many!

The closer it gets, the more anxious I am for it to sink in. Knowing myself as well as someone who... well... is me, I can try to predict how it's all going to unfold. It probably won't set in until after this weekend. My party will be over, and most goodbyes will have been said. I'll then only have a couple short days left, which will probably seem like barely enough time to pack my suitcases and brace myself.

I really don't know if I'll ever get that feeling, though. I've been preparing myself for and dreaming of this shift for so long, that I think it's already sunk in for a huge part of me. Hanging out with my friends and my family doesn't have that same bittersweet undertone that I feel it should. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to have the time here! Also, I can feel my stress and anxiety levels decrease with each Michigan-paced day that passes, something that'll probably be an enormous plus when I first get to Spain.

All that I'm saying is that at any given second, I'm ready to go. I've tried to refrain from getting too sappy, I save all of my emotional rants for the emails I send David. However my longing to be with him again is driving this entire event. Our deep connection and all of its implications are an integral part of the plot. I agree that it is important to maintain, even in the healthiest, deepest rooted relationships, a certain degree of independence and personal identity. But I know in my heart I will never again feel "right" without his physical presence in my life. It often feels like we're one soul split into two separate bodies. (I know, I know, but sometimes cliches exist for a reason!)

Having gotten all of that off my chest, I'll finally tackle the title of this post.

Over the past week I've begun the tedious task of selling my car. Today, a family came to test drive it. It'd be the 16 year old daughter's first car. When asked if I'd drop the price down a little, I admitted I'd sell it for two grand. I added that that was about how much air conditioning would cost in my new apartment in Spain, and so I was trying to sell it as soon as possible. And then, not surprisingly, one of them asked why I was moving to Spain...

This family is from here in Sanford. Sanfordians, as a rule, aren't necessarily the most open minded people. Would revealing my sexuality to the potential buyers have costed me the sale? Probably not. Was there a chance of this happening? Yes, I'd say there would be a small chance. So maybe I did the smart thing by omitting the significant details by answering that I was "starting a new life over there," but it definitely didn't feel like the right thing. Sure I could have played the vague card, saying only that I was getting married, but that would likely prompt more questions.

I can picture extreme gay activists shunning me, arguing that "it's all about making our presence known", "letting them know we're among them, and that we're not so different". But if you've ever experienced this first hand, you're probably familiar with the internal feud that takes place.

Unfortunately, this wasn't the only case of my "omitting the details". Although I do not know him personally, and am prone to minimizing small chat anyway, I'm still truly sorry that I did not tell the man at Radio Shack that my reason for leaving the country is that I'm about to enter into a homosexual matrimony. Why? Because I love David, so much so that I sometimes want to shout it to the world! Also, I am so proud of him, of our relationship, and of Spain's decision to recognize it. So why did I open my mouth in the first place, when I was almost certainly going to have to either divulge or backpedal?

I don't always hold back. In many situations, I share all, beaming. But the guilt and confusion brought on by a few select incidents have brought me to share the issue in this blog, and ask what you all think. I suppose I want to be that person that will proudly proclaim my story to anyone. I want to contribute to making random people think a little about the issue, which shouldn't even be so taboo in the first place! So, perhaps I will. Starting now?

1 comment:

  1. I can imagine it would be so ridiculous feeling to have to decide whether to tell someone what they want to hear or to tell them the truth about something so simple and so good. Which - good LORD - the truth is equally as great as what they want to hear. In the case of selling your car though, it's more about just selling the thing than about any other moral or social issues. It's two grand in your pocket and two tons of metal out of your hands. Period. If you had to tell them that your wife and two children and puppy were inside waiting for you and you were selling the car to go on a christian mission trip to africa to inject orphans with the polio vaccine, then so be it. But never again after this. I definitely believe you should have 0% hesitation in being true to everone about who you are and who you love. And I love you even though you lost your car keys this morning and I smacked myself on the forehead when I read that. Haha.